But I mean it this time. Especially because I've redone the look and, more importantly, the focus. Before - there really wasn't a focus besides my yoga practice, some of my cooking, and my life in general. That is a sort of focus, but it didn't really resonate with me, at least enough to write more often.
So I took to thinking - what do I spend my days thinking about? Although I do think about my yoga, my cooking, I'm usually thinking more about how I can balance it all. Hence, the new focus.
I think "career women"--especially those in their 20s and even 30s--are often not allowed to talk about balance. We're career women - there's no need for balance. We glorify successful women, even though we mentally take note that they're 36, married to someone equally successful, without any children. All of those things are fine in and of themselves and there's no need to judge--but without knowing them personally, we don't see the full story. Does their marriage work well, that they're both busy and successful, or do they have trouble connecting? Do they desire children? Do they have difficulty balancing their jobs with the rest of their lives?
I also understand that such thoughts are not usually for public consumption--but even privately, in my own circles, I see and hear the tension. We're supposed to outwardly be ok with, even enjoy, working long and hard hours--why can't we admit that though we're willing to do it and though we enjoy our work, that it's not easy? It doesn't make us any less committed or dedicated to our work. It just states the obvious.
I was recently inspired by a story I read on HuffingtonPost, called "Wanting to Have a Baby in My Twenties." I was immediately drawn to this when it popped in my inbox. I'm 29 and have spent almost 9 years with my now-husband. We both know we want children. So it's on our radar. It doesn't mean we're trying at this moment--but it means I have to start thinking about how I will balance it all.
I don't identify with all of the sentiments written by Kate Fridkis in the article above, such as being scared of motherhood or feeling like she never wanted to be a mom. It's not that I always pined to be a mother--but I think I always assumed I would be at some point in my life. And, after many a day taking care of a neighbor's child who is practically a nephew now, I know I will enjoy and be good at motherhood.
But I was struck when she wrote:
I don't know why I think that having a baby means giving up on my career. I'm not sure why they are these two totally separate paths in my mind. But I do know that here, in this city, at this age, having a baby is not the thing to do. It is probably the last thing to do. When I got married, so young, I was already being weird.
It is a problem because my generation is bursting with young women who are taking over cities, out-earning their male counterparts, flinging themselves at their highest goals.
It is a problem because somehow motherhood and success are these distinct things, in a society that is always trying to pretend it values everything equally and at the same time has to keep publishing op-eds about whether or not the sexual revolution was a good idea.
It is a problem because I am the modern woman, but I am afraid of letting her down.
Unfortunately, I worry that this is becoming the definition of the modern woman. So join me on my journey. Join me in redefining the modern woman as one who not excels in just one aspect of her life, but is able to balance, as best she can, the different aspects of her life. Join me on my personal journey of working my hardest at my career, nurturing my marriage, tending to my soul, and preparing all these things for starting a family.